*DISCLAIMER: This happened two years ago. I was thinking on memories that I could write a little narrative about and thought about this. So this is my reflection on a crazy time!
Cue October 2012
As I sit by myself attempting to study for Cell Bio, I decide to turn on the Break-Up playlist on Spotify that I have recently subscribed to. “Yo Jess, girlfriend, you have been single for about two years now, what in the world are you doing with your life?” Well, world view, that is an extremely valid question and I appreciate the concern. However, I am currently battling a break-up of sorts that I have never had to experience before. Alright, context time.
All of my life, I have been surrounded by good, Christian people (this does not imply that the “good” and “Christian” go hand in hand, just that the people I surrounded myself with were true blue fantastic people). My best friends were always at church, I was extremely involved in my youth ministry up until my upperclassmen years in high school, and my family was known as a staple of my congregation. My mother raised me to value faith and servanthood and I bonded with those who perpetuated those same values. Coming into my sophomore year of high school, I realized that my youth group had dwindled. Everyone was going their own way. My best friends faded into their own lives and I slowly picked up friends that grabbed my hand and pulled me further and further away from God. I was a confessed Christian, but my heart was completely empty. My body was in the pew, but my heart was in bed next to my boyfriend (or boy at the time) as he enjoys his buzz and I just ponder what the heck I’m doing. But they liked me, right? They enjoyed my company! They would have my back and ease me through my problems and we would be best friends forever…right?
"Really Jess, this was really necessary? What purpose could this elaborate drawing of your emotional numbness and teenage antics POSSIBLY serve?" World view, I’m getting there. Chill, bruh. Long story short, my cup was empty. I was giving all of my energy to my friends and receiving nothing back. I cried nearly every night, wondering what in the world was going on. I developed other problems that only furthered my emptiness. Leaving high school, I was so emotionally and spiritually drained that I didn’t even know what to do with myself. So why not move 500 miles away to Columbia, MO?
And actually, World, that was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I had the typical “I’m super far away from home so I’m going to totally reinvent myself” thing. But I also found Jesus for myself. I emphasize the latter part of the sentence because I had finally seen Jesus as my savior and had accepted him personally. I had taken ownership of my faith. And this was gettin’ real, folks. Never had I felt so revitalized! It was awesome.
However, with this ownership came some real responsibility. And that is how we showed up here, Taylor Swift blaring from my MacBook about how broken her heart is. Because I had to break-up with my best friend. We never dated, but you better know that I loved that kid with my whole heart! He really became this idol to me. I followed him around like a puppy for a year and a half and always felt the need to attend to his every command. He never forced me to do anything- he is actually very sweet!- he just asked, but I almost felt an obligation. But in the past few weeks, the mist of this grandiose figure I had created faded away and I saw something that made my stomach sink: he had been just like those kids in high school. But he likes me, right? He appreciates things that I do for him? But with every step I take with him, the more I can feel God trying to pull me back. I had been raised to put others first and to love all. For 20 years I have lived my life this way, and I had knots in my stomach half of the times that we talked because those ideals were so far from his.
"Ok, so you’re going down the same road. Cool Jess, I thought this was going to be a good story." Unfortunately, I was going down the same road. However, this time, I had my faith. I knew that I needed to do what was right for my journey. I can’t dictate anyone else’s journey, but I need to dictate my own. So I broke up with him (or that’s what it felt like, at least). I told him that our relationship is empty and I am running on E. I was putting so much effort into the friendship and was getting nothing back because we were on such different levels. My heart dropped nearly to the floor when I told him I needed to take a break to fill my glass back up. I cried on and off all night. Even today I felt numb. Wasn’t this decision supposed to feel great? I did the right thing, God! I did what I knew would be better for you and I! Would do I feel just down-right crummy? Why am I listening to this break-up playlist?
Just like an actual break-up, it is hard to leave someone that you love so much. Even though I know it wasn’t great for me, I really do love him a lot. It’s weird not texting him. It’s weird thinking I won’t be doing laundry there or hanging out there on the weekends or studying with him for awhile. He won’t know about any cool parts of my day and I won’t get to hear any of his stupid jokes. And whenever we see each other, it is going to be awkward. And it will certainly tear me apart. But the Lord assures us that you are not leaving people in the dust when you are doing this; you are giving them to Him. By building our personal relationships with Christ, we are brightening our light and shining unto all. We can give those we love up to God. And by no means am I saying “Now World, you can pray for them to find Jesus and all, but don’t you dare look them in the eyes. Those are the eyes of the devil!” Absolutely not true. I still love him with my whole heart and I always will. But Jesus tells us “And if your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life crippled or lame than with two hands or two feet to be thrown into the eternal fire” (Matthew 18:8) and to trust that He has great plans for all of His believers!
So though my heart is numb now and I’m sure the aching will come not too long from now, I know that this break will bring me wisdom. It will bring my clarity. It will bring me light and a full glass and the energy to go out and make disciples of all people and let my light shine for the world to see! And who knows- maybe this will inspire my best friend to search and find God and take ownership of his faith. And then we will be able to cheers our full glasses together and enjoy the substance of our relationship.
But for now, I’m deleting the Break-Up playlist.
Thanks for listening, World.
Cue October 2012
As I sit by myself attempting to study for Cell Bio, I decide to turn on the Break-Up playlist on Spotify that I have recently subscribed to. “Yo Jess, girlfriend, you have been single for about two years now, what in the world are you doing with your life?” Well, world view, that is an extremely valid question and I appreciate the concern. However, I am currently battling a break-up of sorts that I have never had to experience before. Alright, context time.
All of my life, I have been surrounded by good, Christian people (this does not imply that the “good” and “Christian” go hand in hand, just that the people I surrounded myself with were true blue fantastic people). My best friends were always at church, I was extremely involved in my youth ministry up until my upperclassmen years in high school, and my family was known as a staple of my congregation. My mother raised me to value faith and servanthood and I bonded with those who perpetuated those same values. Coming into my sophomore year of high school, I realized that my youth group had dwindled. Everyone was going their own way. My best friends faded into their own lives and I slowly picked up friends that grabbed my hand and pulled me further and further away from God. I was a confessed Christian, but my heart was completely empty. My body was in the pew, but my heart was in bed next to my boyfriend (or boy at the time) as he enjoys his buzz and I just ponder what the heck I’m doing. But they liked me, right? They enjoyed my company! They would have my back and ease me through my problems and we would be best friends forever…right?
"Really Jess, this was really necessary? What purpose could this elaborate drawing of your emotional numbness and teenage antics POSSIBLY serve?" World view, I’m getting there. Chill, bruh. Long story short, my cup was empty. I was giving all of my energy to my friends and receiving nothing back. I cried nearly every night, wondering what in the world was going on. I developed other problems that only furthered my emptiness. Leaving high school, I was so emotionally and spiritually drained that I didn’t even know what to do with myself. So why not move 500 miles away to Columbia, MO?
And actually, World, that was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I had the typical “I’m super far away from home so I’m going to totally reinvent myself” thing. But I also found Jesus for myself. I emphasize the latter part of the sentence because I had finally seen Jesus as my savior and had accepted him personally. I had taken ownership of my faith. And this was gettin’ real, folks. Never had I felt so revitalized! It was awesome.
However, with this ownership came some real responsibility. And that is how we showed up here, Taylor Swift blaring from my MacBook about how broken her heart is. Because I had to break-up with my best friend. We never dated, but you better know that I loved that kid with my whole heart! He really became this idol to me. I followed him around like a puppy for a year and a half and always felt the need to attend to his every command. He never forced me to do anything- he is actually very sweet!- he just asked, but I almost felt an obligation. But in the past few weeks, the mist of this grandiose figure I had created faded away and I saw something that made my stomach sink: he had been just like those kids in high school. But he likes me, right? He appreciates things that I do for him? But with every step I take with him, the more I can feel God trying to pull me back. I had been raised to put others first and to love all. For 20 years I have lived my life this way, and I had knots in my stomach half of the times that we talked because those ideals were so far from his.
"Ok, so you’re going down the same road. Cool Jess, I thought this was going to be a good story." Unfortunately, I was going down the same road. However, this time, I had my faith. I knew that I needed to do what was right for my journey. I can’t dictate anyone else’s journey, but I need to dictate my own. So I broke up with him (or that’s what it felt like, at least). I told him that our relationship is empty and I am running on E. I was putting so much effort into the friendship and was getting nothing back because we were on such different levels. My heart dropped nearly to the floor when I told him I needed to take a break to fill my glass back up. I cried on and off all night. Even today I felt numb. Wasn’t this decision supposed to feel great? I did the right thing, God! I did what I knew would be better for you and I! Would do I feel just down-right crummy? Why am I listening to this break-up playlist?
Just like an actual break-up, it is hard to leave someone that you love so much. Even though I know it wasn’t great for me, I really do love him a lot. It’s weird not texting him. It’s weird thinking I won’t be doing laundry there or hanging out there on the weekends or studying with him for awhile. He won’t know about any cool parts of my day and I won’t get to hear any of his stupid jokes. And whenever we see each other, it is going to be awkward. And it will certainly tear me apart. But the Lord assures us that you are not leaving people in the dust when you are doing this; you are giving them to Him. By building our personal relationships with Christ, we are brightening our light and shining unto all. We can give those we love up to God. And by no means am I saying “Now World, you can pray for them to find Jesus and all, but don’t you dare look them in the eyes. Those are the eyes of the devil!” Absolutely not true. I still love him with my whole heart and I always will. But Jesus tells us “And if your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life crippled or lame than with two hands or two feet to be thrown into the eternal fire” (Matthew 18:8) and to trust that He has great plans for all of His believers!
So though my heart is numb now and I’m sure the aching will come not too long from now, I know that this break will bring me wisdom. It will bring my clarity. It will bring me light and a full glass and the energy to go out and make disciples of all people and let my light shine for the world to see! And who knows- maybe this will inspire my best friend to search and find God and take ownership of his faith. And then we will be able to cheers our full glasses together and enjoy the substance of our relationship.
But for now, I’m deleting the Break-Up playlist.
Thanks for listening, World.