(To any of my LTC folks looking for a fun look into my love life, here it is! It's long, but it is decently written)
Dear Ex-Boy of Mine,
Before you dive into this letter, I have to clear something up. When you’re reading this, you might think “IT IS NOT THAT SERIOUS HOLY SMOKES”. But it really was. Like you said, three months is a quarter of a year, and I trusted you and was hooked. So I’m sorry if any of this seems “too serious”, because I am just expressing my truth.
At this point in time, the knot from the unexpected punch to my gut has begun to subside beyond the minor pangs from listening to a certain song or seeing something that vaguely reminds me of you. My pitiful attempt at burying my hurt deep, deep down whenever someone asks me “so…how’s the boyfriend?” and having to choke out the amended truth didn’t work too well at first, but the blessing of that is that I got to work through all of my stages of grief right away. After I had the chance to catch my breath between gulps that were holding my pain down, down, down, I realized that I was ready to take on the world. I put on my fiery red “single lady” lipstick and I was ready to go. My quality of existence is not based on whom I am dating, might be dating at some point, or absolutely will not date, so I’m fine. But that doesn’t change the fact that what you said and did hurt, like any proper break-up should. My ever-flowing emotions and thoughts ceased for a solid 15 minutes (which, as you would know, is a world record in my immediate realm of existence). You would have been proud. Unfortunately, they returned to full function not too long beyond that terrible car ride, and it didn’t take too long to pick through the fog of thoughts. I have had enough time to rework and refine so many thoughts (I know it doesn’t seem like long, but I work quickly). You would be so impressed by how my mind works if that was your thing, but I know it isn’t. So here are some things you should know:
Break-ups suck a lot, and that is about as eloquently as I would like to put it. It sucks to lose a relationship that you had become so comfortable with. There is a sudden void in your life that you would never expect. And it is the absolute worst, especially when you know that your former counterpart is not feeling that same hurt. That is a battle that I will work through and I am totally confident that I will come out a much better person because of it. However, my immense disappointment and, quite frankly, burning aggravation and frustration in what our relationship turned out to be cannot be veiled in any realm of the imagination. Going into this relationship, we had a conversation about how this sort of thing takes work. It’s hard work. You sweat. You get dirty sometimes. You get out of your comfort zone and feel uncomfortable with the tension and rising blood pressure. There will always be the beloved “honeymoon” phase, and we were so blessed to have an elongated one (mostly due to my idealism, positivity, and lack of confidence in myself that led to nothing but waiting for the right moment that never seemed to come to spill my heart in the best and worst of ways). The month long campaign, in actuality, consumed you from the beginning of our relationship. I’m not blaming the campaign or saying that it shouldn’t have consumed you, I am just stating my truth. So when you think about it, the only real traction we had for a relationship was the last two weeks before you ended it. One of those weeks was absolutely awesome, the other Thanksgiving Break. During our awesome week, anyone would have seen us and said “wow, they are unbelievably happy together”. I think I have every reason to be confused and blind-sided by this, considering there were ZERO signs of impending threats prior to Wednesday of Thanksgiving break, at the very earliest. Remember the “if it is important to you, then it is important to me”? Yeah, that happened. We went on a date and had a blast, then you seemed to be dragging everyone to meet me at your date party. I was on Cloud Nine just to have my boyfriend back, and everyone knew it. In fact, I was always on Cloud Nine to call you my boyfriend because, let’s face it, I loved you and any person who ever asked me about you could see it. Friends would always admit that they just asked me about you to watch me blush and smile like a goof- they knew it was real. I never spoke an ill word of you. Ever. I was always so happy to be with such a handsome, God-fearing, driven guy. I never wanted to tell you what I needed because I was so consumed in what you needed, especially during the campaign. I was (and still am) your biggest fan, and I tried so hard to never let you down. I tried to be the perfect First Lady, because that is exactly what you deserve: the best of the best.
Apparently, my best wasn’t what you needed, so I apologize for that. I apologize that you didn’t appreciate my constant praise for you. I apologize that my willingness to be there for you at just about any moment and my longing to help you with whatever you needed was just not enough commitment. I apologize that my very, very best love was not enough for you, and it is a shame that my 100% didn’t make the cut. Whether you just lost feelings in a matter of days or you couldn’t imagine becoming vulnerable for half a second or you just did not want to emotionally commit or maybe you just weren’t ready for this, that’s your problem and I respect your decision as long as you have been honest with yourself. But I expected a lot better work ethic from you (which I guess I just shouldn’t have expected). In our effectively three month long relationship, there were no signs of anything going wrong. Granted, my blinding optimism may have drown them out, but I’m not the only one who is confused by the split. The campaign was a nifty excuse for you not to open up and to postpone that whole “effort” deal that you have to put into relationships for them to work. Once life got real and that dedicated cheerleader who had been following you around for an entire semester expected reciprocation of feelings and maybe a “you’re beautiful” every once in a while, you ran away. As much as you may think we did, we never gave it a fair shot. You never gave me a fair shot. Not saying I want that shot now, just still stating my truth. I ran uphill for three months, chasing your affection, assuming that one day, you would do the same for me when my life got crazy, since that is what happens in relationships after all: people support one another because they just love each other that much. I figured that we were both wiping sweat from our brow when the other wasn’t looking and were still doing pretty well at covering up how much we really wanted this. And I cannot explain how hurt I am to discover that, after my one-sided masquerade act, I was left empty handed and scrambling for an answer in the midst of sheer confusion.
The coolest part about this whole thing is that I know God has a plan for both of us. I prayed long and hard about dating you initially and had felt SO good about it, so I know God has some awesome reason for bringing us together. Whether his infamous scheming brings us back together or keeps us apart, I’m cool with it. For right now, friendship is just not on my radar, but that could always change. I whole-heartedly believe that each and every person deserves to fight for something and be fought for, and I understand if I just wasn’t the battle that you wanted to pick. I can always pray that you did not just give up when our path was fairly uncharted. New territory, becoming vulnerable and willing to trust someone with emotions that you haven’t fully explored, is SO scary, but you never know what lies beyond the yet-to-be-ventured horizon. It could be beautiful or it could be terrible, but you never know until you kick start your adrenaline and figure out exactly which one it is. If you really did drop feelings that quickly, I don’t know what I did, but I hope you find whatever you initially saw in me in some wonderful woman and work to make her happy, because both of you deserve nothing less. You are going to find someone that you want to fight for. You will want to leave her flowers just because it brings this beautiful smile to her face. You will be okay with delaying homework for an hour or so just to be with her for a little bit. You will want to discover the ins and outs of what makes her so uniquely and beautifully her, and I am more than thrilled to see what lucky woman that ends up being. Nothing makes me more hopeful than knowing that we will both find that fight that we cannot imagine giving up on, because that is what God made us to do. We were made to fight; not with each other, but for each other. Thank you for reminding me through all of this what an awesome, God-centered relationship really should look like and renewing my excitement for whatever journey He has set forth for me. Thank you for bringing me to the realization that I cannot always be the fighter- I fully deserve to be fought for. I deserve someone who thinks I am the most beautiful woman on the planet. I deserve someone willing to put the time in for me, willing to open up to me, because they know that I am doing the same for them. I deserve someone that thinks my constant state of awkward is adorable and that my mom-aura is just great practice for that title as #1 mom in 10 years. I deserve to love someone so much that it hurts, knowing that they feel exactly the same way about me. God made love to be perfect, beautiful, and unconditional, and that is something we all deserve. You’re an awesome guy, and you always will be. I wasn’t lying when I said I thanked God every day for you, and I still thank Him for blessing me with that brief moment in time. I wish you all the best until our paths cross again.
The Ex That Must Have Adored a Little Too Much,
Jess.
Dear Ex-Boy of Mine,
Before you dive into this letter, I have to clear something up. When you’re reading this, you might think “IT IS NOT THAT SERIOUS HOLY SMOKES”. But it really was. Like you said, three months is a quarter of a year, and I trusted you and was hooked. So I’m sorry if any of this seems “too serious”, because I am just expressing my truth.
At this point in time, the knot from the unexpected punch to my gut has begun to subside beyond the minor pangs from listening to a certain song or seeing something that vaguely reminds me of you. My pitiful attempt at burying my hurt deep, deep down whenever someone asks me “so…how’s the boyfriend?” and having to choke out the amended truth didn’t work too well at first, but the blessing of that is that I got to work through all of my stages of grief right away. After I had the chance to catch my breath between gulps that were holding my pain down, down, down, I realized that I was ready to take on the world. I put on my fiery red “single lady” lipstick and I was ready to go. My quality of existence is not based on whom I am dating, might be dating at some point, or absolutely will not date, so I’m fine. But that doesn’t change the fact that what you said and did hurt, like any proper break-up should. My ever-flowing emotions and thoughts ceased for a solid 15 minutes (which, as you would know, is a world record in my immediate realm of existence). You would have been proud. Unfortunately, they returned to full function not too long beyond that terrible car ride, and it didn’t take too long to pick through the fog of thoughts. I have had enough time to rework and refine so many thoughts (I know it doesn’t seem like long, but I work quickly). You would be so impressed by how my mind works if that was your thing, but I know it isn’t. So here are some things you should know:
Break-ups suck a lot, and that is about as eloquently as I would like to put it. It sucks to lose a relationship that you had become so comfortable with. There is a sudden void in your life that you would never expect. And it is the absolute worst, especially when you know that your former counterpart is not feeling that same hurt. That is a battle that I will work through and I am totally confident that I will come out a much better person because of it. However, my immense disappointment and, quite frankly, burning aggravation and frustration in what our relationship turned out to be cannot be veiled in any realm of the imagination. Going into this relationship, we had a conversation about how this sort of thing takes work. It’s hard work. You sweat. You get dirty sometimes. You get out of your comfort zone and feel uncomfortable with the tension and rising blood pressure. There will always be the beloved “honeymoon” phase, and we were so blessed to have an elongated one (mostly due to my idealism, positivity, and lack of confidence in myself that led to nothing but waiting for the right moment that never seemed to come to spill my heart in the best and worst of ways). The month long campaign, in actuality, consumed you from the beginning of our relationship. I’m not blaming the campaign or saying that it shouldn’t have consumed you, I am just stating my truth. So when you think about it, the only real traction we had for a relationship was the last two weeks before you ended it. One of those weeks was absolutely awesome, the other Thanksgiving Break. During our awesome week, anyone would have seen us and said “wow, they are unbelievably happy together”. I think I have every reason to be confused and blind-sided by this, considering there were ZERO signs of impending threats prior to Wednesday of Thanksgiving break, at the very earliest. Remember the “if it is important to you, then it is important to me”? Yeah, that happened. We went on a date and had a blast, then you seemed to be dragging everyone to meet me at your date party. I was on Cloud Nine just to have my boyfriend back, and everyone knew it. In fact, I was always on Cloud Nine to call you my boyfriend because, let’s face it, I loved you and any person who ever asked me about you could see it. Friends would always admit that they just asked me about you to watch me blush and smile like a goof- they knew it was real. I never spoke an ill word of you. Ever. I was always so happy to be with such a handsome, God-fearing, driven guy. I never wanted to tell you what I needed because I was so consumed in what you needed, especially during the campaign. I was (and still am) your biggest fan, and I tried so hard to never let you down. I tried to be the perfect First Lady, because that is exactly what you deserve: the best of the best.
Apparently, my best wasn’t what you needed, so I apologize for that. I apologize that you didn’t appreciate my constant praise for you. I apologize that my willingness to be there for you at just about any moment and my longing to help you with whatever you needed was just not enough commitment. I apologize that my very, very best love was not enough for you, and it is a shame that my 100% didn’t make the cut. Whether you just lost feelings in a matter of days or you couldn’t imagine becoming vulnerable for half a second or you just did not want to emotionally commit or maybe you just weren’t ready for this, that’s your problem and I respect your decision as long as you have been honest with yourself. But I expected a lot better work ethic from you (which I guess I just shouldn’t have expected). In our effectively three month long relationship, there were no signs of anything going wrong. Granted, my blinding optimism may have drown them out, but I’m not the only one who is confused by the split. The campaign was a nifty excuse for you not to open up and to postpone that whole “effort” deal that you have to put into relationships for them to work. Once life got real and that dedicated cheerleader who had been following you around for an entire semester expected reciprocation of feelings and maybe a “you’re beautiful” every once in a while, you ran away. As much as you may think we did, we never gave it a fair shot. You never gave me a fair shot. Not saying I want that shot now, just still stating my truth. I ran uphill for three months, chasing your affection, assuming that one day, you would do the same for me when my life got crazy, since that is what happens in relationships after all: people support one another because they just love each other that much. I figured that we were both wiping sweat from our brow when the other wasn’t looking and were still doing pretty well at covering up how much we really wanted this. And I cannot explain how hurt I am to discover that, after my one-sided masquerade act, I was left empty handed and scrambling for an answer in the midst of sheer confusion.
The coolest part about this whole thing is that I know God has a plan for both of us. I prayed long and hard about dating you initially and had felt SO good about it, so I know God has some awesome reason for bringing us together. Whether his infamous scheming brings us back together or keeps us apart, I’m cool with it. For right now, friendship is just not on my radar, but that could always change. I whole-heartedly believe that each and every person deserves to fight for something and be fought for, and I understand if I just wasn’t the battle that you wanted to pick. I can always pray that you did not just give up when our path was fairly uncharted. New territory, becoming vulnerable and willing to trust someone with emotions that you haven’t fully explored, is SO scary, but you never know what lies beyond the yet-to-be-ventured horizon. It could be beautiful or it could be terrible, but you never know until you kick start your adrenaline and figure out exactly which one it is. If you really did drop feelings that quickly, I don’t know what I did, but I hope you find whatever you initially saw in me in some wonderful woman and work to make her happy, because both of you deserve nothing less. You are going to find someone that you want to fight for. You will want to leave her flowers just because it brings this beautiful smile to her face. You will be okay with delaying homework for an hour or so just to be with her for a little bit. You will want to discover the ins and outs of what makes her so uniquely and beautifully her, and I am more than thrilled to see what lucky woman that ends up being. Nothing makes me more hopeful than knowing that we will both find that fight that we cannot imagine giving up on, because that is what God made us to do. We were made to fight; not with each other, but for each other. Thank you for reminding me through all of this what an awesome, God-centered relationship really should look like and renewing my excitement for whatever journey He has set forth for me. Thank you for bringing me to the realization that I cannot always be the fighter- I fully deserve to be fought for. I deserve someone who thinks I am the most beautiful woman on the planet. I deserve someone willing to put the time in for me, willing to open up to me, because they know that I am doing the same for them. I deserve someone that thinks my constant state of awkward is adorable and that my mom-aura is just great practice for that title as #1 mom in 10 years. I deserve to love someone so much that it hurts, knowing that they feel exactly the same way about me. God made love to be perfect, beautiful, and unconditional, and that is something we all deserve. You’re an awesome guy, and you always will be. I wasn’t lying when I said I thanked God every day for you, and I still thank Him for blessing me with that brief moment in time. I wish you all the best until our paths cross again.
The Ex That Must Have Adored a Little Too Much,
Jess.